My Backstory

Well here it goes. I never thought I'd be writing a blog. Let alone a blog about my infertility! Gosh it's weird to say (or type) that. I'm only 24 years old and never in a million years thought I would be struggling with something like this. I'm not really writing for this for anyone in particular, mostly for myself and to document this journey I am about to embark on. In July of 2016 I was diagnosed with a condition called POF: premature ovarian failure. Which is essentially premature menopause. Yikes! How could someone my age be going through menopause?! I ask myself this question every day and still nobody has an answer for me. I'm just the lucky 1 out of 10,000 woman who get this. Yes you read that right, 1 in TEN THOUSAND.  So, here's a little backstory: I started birth control at 15 years old to treat acne that most teen girls get. I stayed on the pill up until I became sexually active and then just never had a reason to get off of it, Fast forward to July of 2015, I am an a fresh new relationship with an AMAZING guy. Falling in love fast and hard, everything is so exciting when you're newly in love. We had only been dating for 4 months when Aunt Flo just never showed up.  I'll never forget that day, my boyfriend was about to leave for work and I told him I was going to take a pregnancy test.  He was surprisingly calm. I walk inside his tiny bathroom and wait the loooong two minutes for that fateful answer to pop up.  Low and behold, it said pregnant.  I didn't want to walk out out of the bathroom, I was terrified.  5 minutes later after mustering up the courage to open the door, I walk out without saying a word and showed him the test.  He was still calm, TOO calm.  I was freaking out.  He told me everything would be okay, that I just needed to go to the doctor and find out for sure.  He reassured me that no matter what, he would be there by my side to support me. That's when I knew, he was my person. (but that's a whole different story!) I was able to get an appointment with my doctor that day. They gave me a pee test and said yep, it looks like you're pregnant.  I was starting to get excited.  They decided to have me go get some blood work done as the line on the pee test was faint.  They called me that same evening and said that my HCG levels were elevated but not super high.  They wanted me to come back in 2 days to get re-tested and my numbers should have double or tripled by then which would indicate it was a viable pregnancy.  By now I am starting to warm up to the fact that I may be having a sweet little baby of my own in 9 months.  Yes, it was soon. Joe and I had only been together for 4 months; but, when you know, you know.  2 days later, more blood work.  I get a call that night that my HCG levels had dropped a couple points but still elevated. So they decided to schedule me for an ultrasound. The results came back and there was no pregnancy. They told me I had what was called a chemical pregnancy and diagnosed me with PCOS;  poly-cystic ovarian syndrome.  I was disappointed and relieved all at the same time.  I was excited at the thought of having a child but knew it probably wasn't the right time for us just yet.  My doctor explained to me that PCOS is fairly common and that birth control will regulate my periods until I am ready to get pregnant and then they will just give me a simple pill to help me ovulate when I am ready. Easy Peasy, right? Not so much.  I do what the doctor suggests, get back on birth control and stay on it for another year. This puts us in June of 2016. Something didn't feel right.  I just had a gut feeling that something inside of me was off. I have my last period on June 11, 2016 and decide I am not going to keep taking my birth control. July rolls around, no period.  I wait a couple weeks after the day I was suppose to start and take a test. Negative. But something is not right, I don't have my period. So I finally decide to call my OBGYN and am able to get in with the nurse practitioner.  I tell her my history and she decides to just have me get a few routine blood tests done to make sure everything was okay.  I try not to worry and go about my day as best as I can. At 6:30 PM I get a phone call from the nurse practitioner. She seems frantic and alarmed.  She proceeds to tell me that my blood work came back and my hormone levels are alarmingly high and that my ovaries are failing.  The minute I heard "failing ovaries" it all became a blur and I stopped listening.  Thankfully, my mom was with me and able to catch most of the information.  I cannot seem to fathom what I am hearing until it is all broken down for me.  There is one main hormone level doctors look out when determining where a woman is at in her "cycle" FSH: follicle stimulating hormone.  A typical, fertile woman my age would ideally have an FSH of 10 or under.  Mine was at 127.3 which is that of a post-menopausal woman.  Holy Crap. The nurse practitioner suggested I come in to the office and speak to an actual OBGYN who could give me all of the information I needed. They next few days until my appointment were rough. I couldn't focus or stop crying.  The day comes and my mom and I head to the doctor and sat in his office for what seemed like forever. He finally walks in and delivers the news I was hoping would be different from the days prior. But there it was, Premature Ovarian Failure.  He went on to tell me that my ovaries are not working and that my FSH was so high because my brain keeps sending signals to my ovaries to do it's job and when they don't respond my brain thinks its needs to send more.  I also got the great news that I have a diminished ovarian reserve meaning I have a shortage of eggs, and that will only get worse.  He explained that there is nothing they can do for me.  This is not something that can be reversed and it is extremely uncommon.  I have a less than 5%  chance of ever conceiving with my own eggs and that receiving a donor egg or adoption would be my best bet.  I was completely devastated and not prepared to accept the fact that my body was betraying me in this way.  I am a woman, it is my JOB to be able to reproduce, I felt like a failure.  I felt as if I was grieving the loss of someone I had never met.  After days of crying in bed, not working, eating, or doing much of anything; I decided not to accept this as my fate.  No matter what it takes, I will have my own biological children.  I've decided to document my journey so maybe this can give some insight as to what I am going through. And maybe it can help just one person to know that we are not alone in this fight.  There are so many woman who struggle with infertility and I've come to realize this is not a death sentence, even though it may seem like it at times. We will get through this and we WILL be mothers by an means necessary.