Limbo

I didn’t know if and when I was going to write another blog post. Every time I write one is usually after I have a breakdown, it has become cathartic for me to write. I had a good cry today and felt like I had to get some thoughts out. 

I recently turned 26. That birthday for a lot of people these days means no more insurance under your parents. And for a self employed person like me, means cheap shitty insurance. For now. Now that my insurance is up, I am no longer under the care of Dr. Check. No more blood draws every week (HALLELUJAH) and no more ultra sounds. While it feels like such a relief to not have to worry about that anymore, I do feel like I am in somewhat of a limbo. It feels good to take a break from everything. But then I start to feel like I’m not doing ENOUGH. What am I doing now? Am I being proactive in my fertility journey? Am I just at a plateau? 

I notice a lot of women in my fertility support groups have completely changed their lifestyle. They rid their house of any and all chemicals. Change their diet. Go to acupuncture weekly. Meditate. Vagina steams (yes you read that right, VAGINA STEAMS), etc. I feel guilty a lot of the time because I do not want to turn my life upside down and change everything about it. But maybe I should? Maybe THAT is the answer; maybe it’s not. What if I did all of that and nothing changed? How is it that I can never find the right answer? I guess the right answer looks different for everyone.   

I haven’t quite figured out what that is for me just yet. I am exploring lots of options as far as my next step medically(still saving that for another post). But for now I’m going to keep drinking my almond milk creamer with my coffee, exercising occasionally, and treating myself to a glass of wine almost every night. Taking the time to focus on MYSELF and not dwelling on my health is what’s important to me right now. Nurturing my relationship and being a better person in general is my main focus. The rest will fall into place when I am good and ready.