1 year
The one year anniversary of my POF diagnosis has come and gone without incident, and much quicker than I expected to be quite honest. Time flies when you're havin' fun, ha! This has by far been the most challenging year of my life. I have done a lot of soul searching (and when I say a lot, I mean A LOT) and have learned a lot about the person that I've become.
I've learned that I am very hard on myself most of the time. I was always a very sensitive person but overtime I have become hardened from various incidents in my 25 years of life. I used to cry at the drop of a hat and let little things bother me. Now, I try not to allow myself to cry or be sad and I almost punish myself internally when I do. I try not to allow myself to get into a dark head space because, at times, it's not always easy to get out of it. I try to remind myself daily that things could be SO much worse. I look around me and see death, illness and grief and think to myself, 'that could be me'. But then I remember everyone is going through some sort of pain and I cannot compare myself to others. Comparison is the theif of joy. I then get angry because I'm not allowing myself to be sad. It's a vicious cycle.
I think what I have learned most during this whole journey is that life goes on. Life happens, and boy does it go by fast! I mean, a whole year has gone by and I have not much to show for it except for lots of medications, countless blood draws & ultrasounds, and no eggs. When is enough going to be enough for me? I'm not quite sure I am ready to answer that question. They say (and by "they" I mean people in the IVF/infertility community) to set a date for yourself to stop treatment or you'll just continue doing it until your heart and wallet is completely drained. But that just seems so final to me, at least right now it does. I still have a lot of fight left in me!
I still cannot seem to grasp why this happened to me. I feel like God is punishing me in some way. But then I remember that goofy Pinterest saying, "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers" and I feel a little better. I know one day I'll have an answer. I know when I look down at my child, no matter who he or she may be, THEY will be my answer. They are why I kept on fighting and didn't lose hope. All of the pain is for a purpose. But until that time comes, I will keep fighting, hoping, and LIVING the best life I can. Because I have a pretty damn good life.
I also want to extend my hands and heart out to anyone struggling with infertility or loss. This can be such a tough road to navigate and nobody should have to do it alone. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me (even if you are not struggling). I always love hearing from the people who care enough to read my little story ❤️
I've learned that I am very hard on myself most of the time. I was always a very sensitive person but overtime I have become hardened from various incidents in my 25 years of life. I used to cry at the drop of a hat and let little things bother me. Now, I try not to allow myself to cry or be sad and I almost punish myself internally when I do. I try not to allow myself to get into a dark head space because, at times, it's not always easy to get out of it. I try to remind myself daily that things could be SO much worse. I look around me and see death, illness and grief and think to myself, 'that could be me'. But then I remember everyone is going through some sort of pain and I cannot compare myself to others. Comparison is the theif of joy. I then get angry because I'm not allowing myself to be sad. It's a vicious cycle.
I think what I have learned most during this whole journey is that life goes on. Life happens, and boy does it go by fast! I mean, a whole year has gone by and I have not much to show for it except for lots of medications, countless blood draws & ultrasounds, and no eggs. When is enough going to be enough for me? I'm not quite sure I am ready to answer that question. They say (and by "they" I mean people in the IVF/infertility community) to set a date for yourself to stop treatment or you'll just continue doing it until your heart and wallet is completely drained. But that just seems so final to me, at least right now it does. I still have a lot of fight left in me!
I still cannot seem to grasp why this happened to me. I feel like God is punishing me in some way. But then I remember that goofy Pinterest saying, "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers" and I feel a little better. I know one day I'll have an answer. I know when I look down at my child, no matter who he or she may be, THEY will be my answer. They are why I kept on fighting and didn't lose hope. All of the pain is for a purpose. But until that time comes, I will keep fighting, hoping, and LIVING the best life I can. Because I have a pretty damn good life.
I also want to extend my hands and heart out to anyone struggling with infertility or loss. This can be such a tough road to navigate and nobody should have to do it alone. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me (even if you are not struggling). I always love hearing from the people who care enough to read my little story ❤️
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